Thing #1  -Uncle Wrunkle

 

The trash lady emptys my office trashcan on Tuesdays and Thursdays. 

 

Therefore, if you leave uncovered chinese food in there on Friday, your office will smell like Bruce Lee's jock strap on Monday.

Thing # 2

 

Before becoming a new father, I was unaware how much my sense of well being could be affected by the size, color and texture of someone else's poop.

Thing # 3

 

There is a subtle yet material difference between caulk and grout.

Thing # 4

 

The name of that greek sandwich is pronounced "yee-ro."  Despite knowing this, when I order one I'm still going to pronounce it "j-eye-ro" because I think saying "yee-ro" makes me sound like a jack-ass.  (or "yee-ack-ass!") 

Thing # 5

 

Any article which begins with the phrase "according to a recent study" should end with the phrase, "of course, most likely this is all bullshit."

 

Thing # 6

 

Mowing the lawn will provide you with an inordinate sense of pride and accomplishment.  Mow often.

Thing # 7

 

You can shit your pants at any age.

Thing # 8

 

Never ask your kid on Christmas Eve, "So what do you hope Santa will bring you this year?" 

Thing # 9

 

Never threaten your kid with a punishment on which you are unwilling to follow through.  For example, if you have already driven 17 of the 18 hours it requires to get to Disney World, do not say to your kids, "I will turn this car right around and go home!"

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