King Leonidas - holding back the Persians against massive odds; "eat well, for tonight we dine in hell!" screamed my colon.
Ozymandias; Pharoah of Ancient Egypt's 19th dynasty - "I am My Colon; King of Kings, look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
A three year old eating a popsickle - brightly colored, and sticky. (still adorable though... you're a cute little colon! Yes you are!)
A greeter at Target - straddling the line between warm and welcoming, and kind of creepy. I suggest avoiding eye contact with My Colon.
The Vice President of the United States - My Colon recieves an inordinate amount of attention relative to it's actual job responsibilities.
Colonel Nathan R. Jessep – its existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to me, saves lives. You’re right Colon, I can’t handle the truth.
John McClain - Refusing to give up, despite the odds against it. Hey, stomach flu, yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!
Edward Cullen - defying expectations by being made more beautiful by the light of day.
Oprah - giving it away for free, but making a lot of noise about it in the process.
A werewolf - usually mild mannered and rational, but can get violently agressive given the right circumstances. (In this scenario, replace "full moon" with "lunch at Taco Bell.)
Johnny Cash - falling into a burning ring of fire. Walk the line, colon! Walk the line!
The new kid at the Burger King - overly enthusiastic considering the work it's been assigned (and sporting a few grease stains)
A 30 year old woman trying to squeeze into her high school jeans. Stop, Colon, it doesn't fit. You're just going to hurt yourself.
A New York City cab driver - it gets me where I want to go, but leaves me wondering, "what was that smell?"
A Forest Ranger - comfortable in its environment, but still aware of the danger. My colon admires the surrounding beauty, but is not letting its guard down.
A member of Blue Man Group - I'm not sure what my colon is doing, and I can't say for sure it is entertaining, but it's holding my interest.
Captain Lou Albano - It is intimidatingly hairy, but still lovable. Colon dear you know you're still number one!
A member of the GI Joe Team - My colon has its own unique identity, but is still an integral part of the team.
Jim Carrey - Loud and obnoxious, which was a lot of fun when we were younger; but I now think it'd be better for both of us if he calmed down a little.
A 90 year old man with a drivers license - my colon is doing it's thing, completely unaware of the devastation it is leaving in its wake.
A yoga instructor - stretching in ways I didn't think possible.
Val Kilmer - arguably attractive when I was younger, but now mostly just puffy and red. Colon, you can be my wing man any time.
A baby eating solid foods for the first time - spitting up chunks of watery oatmeal.