Today My Colon Is:

King Leonidas - holding back the Persians against massive odds; "eat well, for tonight we dine in hell!"  screamed my colon.


Ozymandias; Pharoah of Ancient Egypt's 19th dynasty - "I am My Colon; King of Kings, look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"


A three year old eating a popsickle - brightly colored, and sticky.  (still adorable though... you're a cute little colon!  Yes you are!)


A greeter at Target - straddling the line between warm and welcoming, and kind of creepy.  I suggest avoiding eye contact with My Colon.


The Vice President of the United States - My Colon recieves an inordinate amount of attention relative to it's actual job responsibilities.


Colonel Nathan R. Jessep – its existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to me, saves lives. You’re right Colon, I can’t handle the truth.


John McClain - Refusing to give up, despite the odds against it.  Hey, stomach flu, yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!


Edward Cullen - defying expectations by being made more beautiful by the light of day.


Oprah - giving it away for free, but making a lot of noise about it in the process.


A werewolf - usually mild mannered and rational, but can get violently agressive given the right circumstances.  (In this scenario, replace "full moon" with "lunch at Taco Bell.)


Johnny Cash - falling into a burning ring of fire.  Walk the line, colon!  Walk the line!


The new kid at the Burger King - overly enthusiastic considering the work it's been assigned (and sporting a few grease stains)


A 30 year old woman trying to squeeze into her high school jeans.  Stop, Colon, it doesn't fit.  You're just going to hurt yourself.


A New York City cab driver - it gets me where I want to go, but leaves me wondering, "what was that smell?"


The Mexican President, Felipe Calderon. Not coincidentally, all the recent drug warlord killings along the border I just call "burrito night."


A Forest Ranger - comfortable in its environment, but still aware of the danger.  My colon admires the surrounding beauty, but is not letting its guard down.


A member of Blue Man Group - I'm not sure what my colon is doing, and I can't say for sure it is entertaining, but it's holding my interest.


Captain Lou Albano - It is intimidatingly hairy, but still lovable.  Colon dear you know you're still number one!


A member of the GI Joe Team - My colon has its own unique identity, but is still an integral part of the team.


Jim Carrey - Loud and obnoxious, which was a lot of fun when we were younger; but I now think it'd be better for both of us if he calmed down a little. 


A 90 year old man with a drivers license - my colon is doing it's thing, completely unaware of the devastation it is leaving in its wake.


A yoga instructor - stretching in ways I didn't think possible.


Val Kilmer - arguably attractive when I was younger, but now mostly just puffy and red.  Colon, you can be my wing man any time.


A baby eating solid foods for the first time - spitting up chunks of watery oatmeal.