When I was a kid, one of my brothers and I held my youngest brother over a stairwell by his ankles. He screamed and thrashed around, while we laughed and told him if he didn’t hold still we might drop him. If we did drop him, the fall would have seriously injured or killed him. We laugh about this now. Brothers are in a unique position wherein the abuse inflicted is often judged less by its cruelty, than its creativity. I’ve found that as I matured, my relationships in every other aspect of my life have matured with me. My relationship with my brothers, however, still consists primarily of them trying to convince me that I am a retarded hippie half-man.


To emphasize my point, here is a collection of comments pulled from e-mails my brothers have sent to me over the past year. Please note that all of these comments were made by men in their mid to late 30’s; professional men with families of their own. Please also note that this is only a small percentage of the comments I could have used. I stopped pulling them only because this article was becoming too long. (And because by this point after reading them I had become emotionally unstable.  I’m going to go cry in the shower now):



“She is a happy baby. Fair skinned. She has a pinko, commie for an uncle. We just lie and tell her he's retarded.”


“I know you're a fan of the Sopranos, so I'll keep calling you Big Pussy.”


“Hey limp prick”


“Hey Knuckle-Fuck”


“Why do you want to tank the economy which single mothers rely on to feed their babies? Why do you hate babies, ass-eater?”


“I don’t blame you. If I had your life I’d be pissy too.”


“Incidentally, if blowing $780 billion will get us out of this mess, why stop there? Why not $80 trillion you Kenesian fuck?”


“take it ez, caught me ona day that I have both a work deadline AND an exam (that I am supposed to be taking right now instead of educating a pinko douche)”


“Talking to you is like talking to a woman.”


“Wii sucks. You wasted your money. Happy birthday”


“Thanks for making me change my profile picture back, asshole”


“Hey Douchely”


“Hey Taint-Face”


“Hey Slappy.”


“Did you see that David Ogden Stiers came out of the closet? That makes Sulu, Winchester...shoot, if we ever find out Jon-Erik Hexum was gay, that'd pretty much be all your childhood heroes.”


“Don't tease me (in the political, debating sense, not in the sexy way you hock up your skirt to review your creamy thighs).”


“Hey Bitch”


“Hey Pussy Whiskers”


“Hey Assy”


“Note how I properly removed mom from the thread before joking about your well visited ass”


- Grizzly

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