Dad and Mom - Metric based Worth

As fathers, society measures our value to our family by the size of our paycheck. This is a plus for men since dollar value is a much more reliable metric than that applied to moms, namely the physical and emotional well-being of their children. The bigger the paycheck, the better the dad.   That’s easy math.



Pictured:  a great dad
Pictured: a great dad


An occasional problem a father can run into is that his paycheck size must also be weighed against his ability to purchase goods and/or services; i.e. he must have “purchasing power.” As an example, a gallon of milk in the Northeastern United States will run you about $4; whereas the farther west you travel, the cheaper milk becomes, until you reach Montana, where you can pull onto any local farm and have a cow crap milk into a bucket for free (I’m guessing… I’ve never actually been to a farm).



She's milking that cow, right?
She's milking that cow, right?


However, in most cases both salaries and costs are determined regionally, so maybe you have to pay more for milk in New Jersey than you do in Montana, but it evens out since the folks in Montana are typically paid in otter pelts. (I've never actually been to Montana either).


cha ching!
cha ching!


So overall, as I said, measuring a Dad’s relative familial worth is a fairly easy metric. A few minutes on Excel, and you can nail down how much you love your kids pretty much to the dollar. Moms, on the other hand, are continually adding and subtracting points based on a massive range of criteria from the number of stains on their kids clothes to the types of snacks in their kids lunch (plus for carrot sticks, minus for HoHo’s).




Pictured:  Maternal Failure
Pictured: Maternal Failure

This methodology is convoluted and vague. Sure, you can easily identify the mothering extremes.



Pictured:  extremes
Pictured: extremes


But how do we rank those myriad of moms that fall somewhere in the middle? Those moms that serve Chicken McNuggets with a side of apple slices? I don’t pretend to have an answer, but for the sake of mom’s everywhere, we must find a common metric so that we can rank them appropriately. We owe them that much.


- Grizzly

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Comments: 4
  • #1

    Dinglebert Slapdiback (Friday, 01 October 2010 23:19)

    Where the hell did you find that pic of the cow!!? Excellent stuff Griz.

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