My dear friend and co-blogger, Uncle Wrunkle, once told us how he received internal suspension in high school for describing a Great Gatsby character as a “pussy.” (Cheers, my friend, cheers). Uncle Wrunkle’s father was called in to school to discuss his son’s transgression. Uncle Wrunkle’s father is an engine block building, bear shooting, commie strangling (probably) bad ass. Here is my interpretation of how that meeting went:
PaPa Wrunkle: "What the dick? Why is my fucking son in fucking internal fucking suspension!?"
Principal: "He... uh... would you mind not saying "fucking" so much?"
PaPa Wrunkle: "Excuse me, Mr. Mary Fucking Queen of Scots! Would you prefer I say 'fudging?' I'll rip your 'fudging' lungs out of your 'fudging' chest! Does that sound better to you!?"
Principal: "I... OK... the thing is, Jim used some inappropriate language in the classroom."
PaPa Wrunkle: "Ha! That's my fucking boy! What'd he fucking say?"
Principal: "I'd rather not..."
PaPa Wrunkle: "Just say it, pussy! Why do you have to be a pussy about it? Fucking pussy."
Principal: "That's... ah... that's it actually. He was asked to describe a character in the Great Gatsby, and your son said the character was a... um... pussy."
PaPa Wrunkle: "Was it Tom Buchanan?"
Principal: "Oh... um, yes as a matter of fact it..."
PaPa Wrunkle: "Tom Fucking Buchanan IS a fucking pussy! Fucking millionaire dilettante! Can't keep Daisy happy even with his fucking millions! Tom Fucking Buchanan is a fucking PUSSY! A sore ridden, pus oozing old French whore's vagina!"
Principal: "That's not really the point..."
PaPa Wrunkle: "Sounds to me like my fucking son answered the fucking question! Sounds like you should fucking apologizing to my fucking son!"
Principal: "I really don't think..."
PaPa Wrunkle leaps at the principal, grabs him by the back of the neck and slams his face down on the wooden desk, breaking his nose. He then lifts the principal's head so that his blood stained face is staring at Jim.
Principal: "Sorry Jim. Our mistake. Good work."
PaPa Wrunkle: "Now sign his fucking release papers!"
Principal: "Release... we don't use release papers..."
Principal: "Ahhhhh... no... please... (sob)"
PaPa Wrunkle: "Don't fuck me, boy, I've killed hundreds of fucking Koreans!"
Principal: "You fought in the Korean War?"
PaPa Wrunkle: "No."
Principal: "Then how..."
PaPa Wrunkle: "Just sign this goddamn release!"
Principal: "Uhhh... but...that's the cafeteria menu... no, god!"
Principal: "I'll sign it! Look! It's signed! Please... I have kids..."
PaPa Wrunkle: "Fucking sweet. Now don't forget what we fucking learned here today."
Principal: "Oh god... I'm not sure..."
PaPa Wrunkle lifts the blood soaked barely conscious head of the principal from his desk and whispers in his ear, "Tom Buchanan is a fucking pussy."