Cool Phrases That I'll Never Get to Use

Think about it. You can use them with your friends, you can say them to yourself, but there's often a gap between an awesome phrase and a situation where you can actually use that phrase. How frustrating. Let's discuss..



- Get to the Chopper!


How bad ass is this phrase?? “My God, we’re all gonna die if we stay here. Our only means of escape is the conveniently located idling helicopter complete with beckoning pilot screaming ‘Come on!’…for God sakes GET TO THE CHOPPER!!” I suppose the classic example of this was Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator. Cool scene, eh?


Not in million billion years will I ever find myself in that kind of situation. I have nothing to do with helicopters, nor any situation involving them. I’ve never been on one and I’ve certainly never “choppered into” anywhere. For just once in my life I’d love to be able to yell this to somebody in that oh-so-toughguy “Save yourself, I’m gonna stay here and fight em’ off” manner.


One time I took a bus trip to the Smithsonian and my group spent a little too much time ogling Archie Bunker’s dirty brown chair and guessing how far we could throw the Hope diamond. When we finally checked the time and realized that the driver might be unsympathetic to our lateness, we had to do that fruity run-walk hybrid back to the bus where you’re briskly walking past people and almost skipping in the open spaces until you hit the next people jam. We looked super cool swishing through the minefield of slow moving little schoolkids, wheelchairs and people taking pictures of eachother and establishing the polite no-fly-zone between them, all while encumbered by plastic bags bouncing full of cinnabuns and refrigerator magnets and toting the ubiquitous fast food soda cup, straw erect. Oddly enough when I made it to the bus, I found myself looking out the window with that same steely, thousand yard stare that you see guys do in war movies during the post-battle chopper ride home. I imagined myself with jungle scenery passing underneath and eyes slightly squinted, as if to say “we lost a lotta good tourists out there.”



- Stop or I’ll Shoot!


You’re damn right. Stop or blow your head off mutha f*cka!! Don’t forget clicking the hammer back to solidify your intent. Very important to do this after you’ve said “stop or I’ll shoot” otherwise the person that you don’t really want to shoot might think that you’re really, really gonna shoot them and may lose the courage to seek out the amazingly improbable Rube Goldberg contraption in their midst, step on a rake and trigger a series of events that will drop a sandbag on your head. All this somehow faster than you’re able to pull the trigger of a loaded gun. I digress…


It’s too numerous to mention just how many times this phrase has been used, generally to good effect, in every other cop related movie produced in the last 50 years. I played paintball a few times a while back. During one of those games there was a girl on the opposing team who was holed up in the top of this rather well protected plywood structure keeping about 10 guys at bay with her Charles Whitman-like shenanigans (before you go through the trouble of googling Charles Whitman, he was the sniper in the clock tower at the University of Texas in 1966. Why do I know this? Anyway..). There were only a few of us left by the time I had miraculously managed to slip past her view and onto the blind side of the structure, ready to jump in and take her out. Now, for those unfamiliar with paintball, it hurts. Not in a John Cougar – Hurts So Good kinda way, but in a time-stopping pain/lumpy purple bruise kinda way. Understandably, it’s bad form to shoot someone point blank. Mostly because they don’t actually die and will probably key your car after the game. This in mind, I planned my assault to be one that jumps to the inside of the structure and with enemy at gunpoint, yells an authoritative “Surrender!” Eager to be the hero and flushed with the anxiety of being so close to an armed, trigger happy, daddy-issues kinda girl, when I turned the corner and rushed her with gun drawn, all that came out of my lungs was “GHHHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!” Yep. That’s what I said. “ghaa.” To which in typical late-teens girl speak, she replied “Okay dude, I’m out, whatever (polite chuckle)...” Since then, I’ve abandoned any idea that I might be able to coolly confront a home intruder with “Stop, or I’ll shoot.” and have resigned myself to the idea that if I ever have the misfortune of being robbed and I actually do get to confront the intruder with a gun drawn, I’ll probably default to my personal, multi-national halt command of “Ghaa!”



- Let’s Rock Out with our C#cks Out!


Where can you use this? Seriously? It’s impressive not only in the volume of bravado therein, but the timbre of the hard hitting consonants makes you really want to “rock out”, acting on whatever your vision of that is. If one were to actually expose himself and begin fist pumping though, I’m not sure if others in view would say “Oh look, that guy is really good at rocking out with his c#ck out” I’m guessing they’d go african sprinter in the opposite direction while dialing 911. Anyway, I like to think of this one as the concept car of awesome phrases. It looks great, it sounds great but you just can’t use it. Imagine being at work and capping off a motivational leadership speech with this frag grenade of a statement. HR has a special Casino-like back office for these types of incident follow-ups.



- Pay me my money!


Again I reference Human Resources. They’re the only people who actually pay me money. As much as I’d love to yell this at them, showing a set of Bobby De Niro sized fangs to HR can be troublesome.



- Run!


This one is gonna make me a little sad. Just about everyone has had the chance to use this at some point in their youth. Running from friends, running from parents, running from lit fireworks, running from cops, ahh middle school. What is more exciting than yelling this to a chum when the situation has just become explosive and you guys had better get the hell outta there before you’re in a world of hurt!? Well. We’re all grown up now and unless you’re the weakest link on the bomb squad, you probably don’t have much of a chance to yell “run” and mean it. Oh no, my water bill is going up by 10%, run! The boss wants us to complete the reports by Thursday, run! They don’t serve caramel cheesecake topping at Outback anymore, run! See? It’s all over. “Run” is dead. And to tell you the truth, if you’re a fellow middle aged guy and run isn’t dead, you might be a fuckup.



Have any you’d like to share? Write em’ up in the comments section!


-Uncle Wrunkle


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Comments: 1
  • #1

    Štefan (Monday, 09 July 2012 12:43)

    Thanks for details